Playgoers, Beware The ?Ishtar? Invasion

BROADWAY has recently been diligent, even tireless, in the pursuit of refitting successful movie musicals from the 1980s (and the 1970s) for the stage. Almost without exception the results have been dire. The synthetic stage version of Saturday Night Fever took itself way too seriously; Footloose was bland and witless; Urban Cowboy had all the down-home grit of a barbecued marshmallow. The odious stage version of Fame never made it to Broadway — a small mercy — but it was an inexplicable hit in the West End of London. Next up: a stage Flashdance, being developed by the company that brought us the dud Earth, Wind and Fire jukebox musical Hot Feet. Prognosis: scary.

“Ishtar” starred Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty.

Jamie Lee Curtis in "Perfect."

Now, with the improbably delightful Xanadu blazing a neon path forward, perhaps it is time for Broadway to forge ahead in adapting some of the truly awful movie offerings of the decade for the stage. Maybe only in acknowledged cinematic badness does the promise of stage greatness lie.

Herewith my fantasy (and, I hope I need hardly add, facetious) suggestions for potential resurrection. Youll notice that my definition of the 1980s is a little bit loose here. The 1980s were the years in which the quality of American moviemaking truly began to decline precipitously, but a few 70s titles were so bad that Ive decided to include them as honorary 80s movies. And, to narrow the competition, I concentrated on movies that are either musicals or were associated with hit songs or soundtracks. (Mommie Dearest, a natural choice, is thus disqualified, although it could make a great opera.)

EYES OF LAURA MARS: THE MUSICAL

This 1978 thriller was not, strictly speaking, a musical, but it spawned a big hit for Barbra Streisand in Prisoner (Love Theme From Eyes of Laura Mars), and its soundtrack also includes the familiar disco number Lets All Chant, by the never-heard-from-before-or-since Michael Zager Band.

Nor is it truly terrible, although its chichi fashion-world setting and the presence of Faye Dunaway in the title role firmly classify it as camp. Ms. Dunaway is fiercely entertaining as a demanding, perfectionist, Helmut Newton-style fashion photographer who is stalked both psychically and literally by a killer who plants ice picks in his victims eyes.

Who but the demanding, perfectionist Donna Murphy could fill Ms. Dunaways leather boots onstage? Denis OHare would be brilliant as the snippy gay sidekick played by Rene Auberjonois. A dance medley on the soundtrack also includes (Shake Shake Shake) Shake Your Booty from KC and the Sunshine Band, which means the stage version could shoehorn in a few more of that groups undying dance hits with impunity, although it is hard to picture Ms. Murphy delivering any of them. Perhaps she could tone up the proceedings by singing Im Your Boogie Man with a German accent?

A STAR IS BORN 76: THE MUSICAL

Andrew Lloyd Webbers production company was once rumored to be mounting a stage version of the beloved 1954 Star Is Born, which starred Judy Garland and James Mason and featured songs by Harold Arlen and Ira Gershwin. Far more fruitful for pure kitsch purposes is the unbeloved, resplendently bad 1970s version that helped send Barbra Streisands movie career into an aesthetic swoon from which it never truly recovered.

I envision Idina Menzel in the lead role, center stage at the climax in a nimbus of light emphasizing the supersized faux-fro that Ms. Streisand sported in the movie. (Remember, these were the Jon Peters years.) Ms. Menzel certainly has both the vocal chops and, as an alumna of Rent, the rock (or rock-ish) background to play Esther Hoffman, the pop rocker on the rise whose marriage to that star-on-the-skids John Norman Howard ends tempestuously and tragically.

Harder to cast, perhaps, would be the Howard role, played by Kris Kristofferson in the movie, looking vaguely nauseated throughout. Perhaps Ms. Menzels co-star in Rent, Adam Pascal, could be talked into growing a scraggly beard and grumbling his way through Mr. Kristoffersons songs?

A metatheatrical twist could interpolate the backstage drama on the movie. Ms. Streisands megalomania had begun to spiral out of control by this point. She and Mr. Kristofferson reportedly loathed each other; hence, perhaps, his terminally disgusted look. Incidentally, Joan Didion and John Gregory Dunne shared screenplay credit. Would Ms. Didion be interested in another crack at Broadway, refashioning her work for a stage sendup? I rather doubt it.

GREASE 2: THE MUSICAL

Sequelitis, the bane of Hollywood for at least a quarter-century, has somehow failed to infect Broadway. Maybe the doomed attempts to manufacture a hit follow-up to Annie had a vaccinationlike effect on even the more crass producers. But its never too late to start.

How many show queens recall that the super-flop sequel to one of the biggest movie musicals of all time was directed by Patricia Birch, better known as a Broadway choreographer and frequent collaborator of Harold Prince? Ms. Birch choreographed the smash-hit Grease for both stage and film and was rewarded with the directors chair on Grease 2.

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