First In, Worst Dressed

Theyre busy men. Theyre important men. Theyre badly dressed men. Clearly, blokes dont need a sense of style to succeed in Melbourne. Consider inclusion on our worst dressed list a badge of honour. Rachel Wells names names.

Most women get dressed to look and feel beautiful," fashion commentator Hal Rubenstein once wrote. "Most men get dressed praying they dont look stupid."

Although Rubenstein (now the fashion director at InStyle magazine) penned the article more than a decade ago, before the evolution of the metrosexual, his explanation for mens sartorial incompetence still rings true.

Men, he argued, dress badly because "they dont know how. No one taught us."

He has a point. While most men were taught to tie their shoelaces, very few received the kind of grooming skills imparted to young girls from the moment they were old enough to say Pumpkin Patch.

Based on extensive research, polling, and considered evaluation in compiling our list of Melbournes worst-dressed men, baby boomers appear to have suffered most severely from sartorial neglect. Having grown up at a time when any effort beyond tucking in the shirt was considered a threat to masculinity, its little wonder.

The next biggest at-risk category are the gen Ys. While they now have the fashion artillery - skinny jeans, cropped jackets and fluoro tees - many lack the maturity and fashion smarts to know the difference between a good trend and a dicey one. In between, we discovered exhibitionists, eccentrics and egotists, for whom dressing badly is a form of self-expression, self-promotion or simply a case of sartorial independence.

Heres our top 10 ...

The 80s Hangover

Dermott Brereton, TV presenter, ex-footballer

Mullet dressed as lamb. With platinum blond hair, a penchant for leather necklaces, single stud earrings, and gaudy fur and leather jackets, is it time The Kid, now 43, finally grew up? Stylists verdict: "Dermott has fallen into the trap of sticking with the 80s look that worked for him in his heyday. Time for a makeover - and fast." (Philip Boon)

The Colourful Personality

Robert Doyle, former state Liberal leader and chairman of Melbourne Health

A polly-cum-businessman clearly desperate to break free from the conservative straitjacket and tie. Thats not a bad thing, but his favourite lemon-yellow blazer makes him look like a meringue. Stylists verdict: "Were his leadership qualities as limp as the colour of this jacket?" (Franco Schifilliti)

Retro Gone Wrong

Jason Kimberley, photographer, author, adventurer, entrepreneur and son of Just Jeans founder Craig Kimberley.

Plaids, mohair, prints. Together. His look is Keith Partridge meets Greg Brady, circa 1970. Fashion sensibility is clearly not hereditary. Stylists verdict: "I think its more like David Attenborough on acid - all safari jackets and floral shirts. The clash look, looks more like clunk to me." (Philip Boon)

Im Too Sexy For My Shirt

Nick Russian, nightclub owner

Hes obviously very proud of his pecs. But this is way too much man cleavage. Stylists verdict: "Theres something about that plunging neckline that reminds me of Tori Spellings chest." (Philip Boon)

Lounge Lizard

Sam Newman, TV personality, ex-footballer

Was Newmans attack on a well-known football scribes fashion sense akin to the pot calling the kettle black? Lairy shoes, pastel striped knits, comedy T-shirt, pink polos do not a ladykiller make. Stylists verdict: "Sam seems to have a special place in his heart for navy suits and really short shorts. Neither are good at 60-plus." (Philip Boon)

The Footy Fashion Victim

Brodie Holland, Collingwood footballer

Funnel-neck collars, beige pinstripe suits, and fluoro tees; what fashion folly will he fall prey to next? Designers, stop putting this man on the catwalk, it only encourages him. Stylists verdict: "He could benefit from developing his own style rather than being a slave to the latest fashion fads." (Philip Boon)

The Cashed-Up Bogan

Shane Warne, cricketer

Money clearly doesnt buy style. Although fame clearly attracts lots of promotional T-shirts, caps and outfits, Warne wears them even when he isnt cross-promoting sponsors and events. Stylists verdict: "Where do you start? With a new shade of hair dye (i.e. not yellow) perhaps?" (Philip Boon)

The Trend Follower

Molly Meldrum, music commentator and critic

Badly dressed from the neck down. We love the hat. Embraces fashion fads - acid-wash jeans, dip-dyed shirts, muscle tees, purple satin tux - the same way he embraces the latest pop sensation: all over them, then on to the next. Stylists verdict: "Do yourself a favour, Molly ,and ditch the jackets with those hideous satin and brocade lapels. But you can leave your hat on." (Franco Schifilliti)

The Boomer Dag

Jon Faine, ABC Radio presenter

For services to corduroy, cardigans and baby boomer dad outfits. A wardrobe for radio. Stylists verdict: "The word fashion is clearly not in Jon Faines vocabulary. Dont change Jon. Being daggy becomes you." (Franco Schifilliti)

THE SHOW-OFF

Dick Gross, former mayor of Port Phillip, current president of the Municipal Association of Victoria

Dick Gross is a "shocking dresser" and proud of it. While we asked several of our worst-dressed nominees to pose for our story, only Gross would agree.

Gross, you see, wears his bad taste on his loud jacket sleeve.

"Im a shocker. I know. Its all about showing off and getting noticed. Its very deliberate."

Gross has a particular penchant for gaudy jackets - there are leopard prints, gold lame, multicoloured stripes and some that look like they were cut from kitchen curtains, circa 1950.

Hes also a big fan of bold-coloured shoes - in red, neon green and fluorescent orange - among others.

"I like to call myself the Imelda Marcos of Melbourne."

While Gross, is comfortable with his "badly dressed" tag, he is adamant he isnt Melbournes worst.

"What about Jon Faine? Hes much worse than me. Hes a total slob. He always has been. People might criticise my fashion sense but at least I have one," says Gross, who studied law at Monash University with the ABC Radio presenter.

While Faine doesnt dispute Gross summation of the Faine dress code - typically, tired cotton shirts, tucked into jeans or corduroy pants, belted a fraction too high - he wont be drawn on who is more sartorially challenged.

"I dont deliberately set out to be well dressed or poorly dressed ... I dress for my comfort rather than other peoples impressions of me ... People shake their head from time to time but I just dont get fashion. I just missed out on that gene."

However, he does believe his bad dress sense comes much easier to him than Gross.

"See, unlike Dick Gross, who goes out of his way to be garish ... and has made a trademark out of shocking, I manage to do it without even trying."

Faine, like Gross, says he will accept his worst-dressed nomination like a "badge of honour".

"I dont really care what I look like. I look like what I look like. What you see is what you get. I am who I am. Theres no point denying that."

AND ALSO ...

Michael Gudinski, music promoter

A serious fashion slob, with more money than (dress) sense.

Angus Kennett, political offspring, model, man-about-town

Favours "unkempt chic", but looks more like he needs a good wash and a decent meal.

Bill Kelty, former ACTU secretary

A sober fellow, but looks a little like a drunk koala in someone elses op-shop suit.

Peter Helliar, radio host, TV personality

Plaid, grey jeans, baseball caps: does he share a wardrobe with Strauchanie?

Steve Fielding, Family First leader

A political dag in bad ties and ill-fitting shirts. Clearly, Family First hasnt enlisted an image consultant.

Wilbur Wilde, musician

For services to nylon shirts and sateen jackets loud enough to be heard over his saxophone.

Peter Faris, QC

Rumpled of the Bailey. Another baby boomer wedded to faded chambray out of court.

Rod Quantock, comedian

Hawaiian shirts, primary colours, Play School presenter chic.

Shannon Bennett, chef

Shiny jackets, skinny belts: looks more like a dishevelled rocker than a chef.

Grant Smilie, DJ

Professional fashion victim. Some brands actually give him clothes for free.

OUR STYLISTS

Philip Boon is a Melbourne-based celebrity stylist who has dressed hundreds of stars - including Megan Gale, Tina Arena, Michael Klim and Mark Philippoussis - for both the red carpet and leading fashion magazines.

Franco Schifilliti is a Melbourne stylist who has worked on shoots and parades for the LOreal Melbourne Fashion Festival, Myer, Armani Exchange and Kenzo, among others. He is also Chadstone Shopping Centres resident stylist.

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