As The Flattery Flies: A Buzzology Primer

JUST because most of us cant vote for Academy Awards, that doesnt mean were innocent bystanders. Oscar campaigns wash over ordinary moviegoers like a media deluge: talk-show hosts promote their favorites so relentlessly, you wonder if Al Roker invested money in Dreamgirls; magazine covers planned months ago blare Oscar for sure-fire losers; and performers abandon their wildly disparate screen roles to face a common acting challenge: trolling for awards while pretending, humbly, not to.

These sly campaigners are not simply talking past us to academy members. The ticket-buying audience is the true Oscar target, because awards are about helping films make money (yes, yes, weve heard its an honor), so even the hint of a nomination becomes another opportunity to promote the movie. Shouldnt the campaign strategies be a little entertaining, though? This is show business. Instead Oscar hopefuls behave like sober presidential contenders and position themselves earlier and earlier every season. By now the gushing talk-show hosts and their oh-so-coy guests have exhausted some predictable gambits.

A favorite conversational ploy is THE POINTED ASSUMPTION, as in, Please thank me when you get your Oscar. Simon Cowell said that in a taped message to Jennifer Hudson (whose talent he sneered at on American Idol) during an Oprah episode devoted entirely to jumping up and down about Dreamgirls. Really, that comments just not clever.

Come back when you win that Oscar, Jimmy Kimmel told Forest Whitaker, who has already picked up a slew of early awards for The Last King of Scotland.

There is a silver lining to this lame approach: it often leads to the amusing WHO, POOR LITTLE ME? response.

So where are you going to put it, your Oscar? Shaun Robinson asked Eddie Murphy on Access Hollywood.

Well, I dont want to be presumptuous, Mr. Murphy responded about his chance of winning for Dreamgirls.

More deliciously, when Jay Leno said to Helen Mirren (talking up The Queen), Will you come back when you win the Oscar?, Dame Helen replied, Shut up, shut up! layering her response with a mixture of modesty that said, You cant mean me and earthiness that said, Dont jinx me. (And thats why shes a great actress.)

Its tiresome, though, to hear hosts pour it on about OSCAR BUZZ whether or not anyone outside the films studio is buzzing.

Now theres a lot of Oscar buzz, Mr. Leno told Kate Winslet about Little Children. Well, yes, theres some.

Shes getting a lot of Oscar buzz for her performance in World Trade Center, he said, introducing Maggie Gyllenhaal. Well, no, shes not, although she did deserve, and remarkably receive, a Golden Globe nomination for her much smaller film Sherrybaby.

A more opinionated version of The Buzz is the ever-popular OSCAR-WORTHY bouquet.

The December issue of Elle has the currently buzzless Beyoncé Knowles on its long-planned cover, teasing an article about her life and Oscar-worthy role in Dreamgirls. On Today Matt Lauer welcomed Leonardo DiCaprio by praising his back-to-back Oscar-worthy performances. Mr. DiCaprio, not known for his chatty accessibility, was great in The Departed and fine in Blood Diamond, but his toughest role lately might have been acting pleased to appear on talk shows. Exciting day for me, he said on The Tonight Show after getting two Golden Globe nominations in the run-up to the Oscars, adding, Im very, very, very honored. (He sort of pulled it off, but hes no Helen Mirren.)

This overload of sincerity is enough to make viewers grateful for a few crumbs of irreverence, also known as THE DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO GET AN HONEST ANSWER.

Its a great thing when people like your work, Mr. Whitaker said on Mr. Kimmels show.

You would have been furious if you had not been nominated, Mr. Kimmel goaded him, which was a nice try. Of course it didnt work, which led to the WELL, WHY NOT? approach. People seem to say, Weve got to give him an award already, cause youve been so great in so many things, Mr. Kimmel said, tossing in a rare bit of common sense by adding, I know the awards are silly and everything, but it seems like if other people are getting them, then you should get one.

Even actors who are not serious contenders for awards this year have movies to sell, and if theyve ever won an Oscar, they can talk about that, as George Clooney did when pushing his movie The Good German on Live With Regis and Kelly. Asked about his Academy Award victory last year as supporting actor for Syriana, Mr. Clooney pointed out how exhausting the whole awards season can be.

Theres a lot of weeks of awards shows leading up to it, he said of the Oscars.

And you have to attend all of them, Regis Philbin added.

Mr. Clooney, wry as ever, agreed: Yeah, you do — or they hate you. Now theres a novel twist, and if were lucky a whole new campaign maneuver: THE HONEST ANSWER MASQUERADING AS A JOKE.

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